How do you recover when the person you grieve loss of is… You.

In the beginning I grieved the loss of Tyler.  Many tears flowed because that little boy left my house.  They flowed for my loss of him.  They flowed for Jimmy and Sophia’s loss of him.  It was like a death even though he is still very much alive.  Weeks of tears…

And then they stopped with the help of medication and therapy.  Therapy aided in helping me realize he’s fine.  Then why did I still feel a loss?…  Why was I still grieving?… Why do I still cry every now and then?…

And then it hit me, I am grieving the loss of me, of who I was.  What do you do when you can see your perfect self by delving into memories that occurred only months ago?! 

I call her Alaska Stephanie.  She was an amazing woman, in the best health of her life physically, mentally and emotionally.  Strong, finally confident in herself.   She knew what she wanted.  Happy with her figure and it’s flaws.  Finally able to not care what others opinions of her were.  Ready for new challenges with a smile on her face.  After all, she conquered the zip line and survived.  A Warrior, overcoming Depression five times and off all medication.  A determined spirit.

Alaska Stephanie is only within a finger length reach but I feel as if I lost her already.  I feel as if she will not return to me.  It hurts because the memory of her is so vivid.

I’m constantly told not to dwell in the past, that is where Depression lives.  But, if I forget the past then I am cutting all lifelines with her, my perfect self.  What to do?  Thinking about her is like a double edged sword… Good because I strive to be her again, bad because it saddens me at how much further I need to go to obtain her.

I’m a long way off from being her.  Still stuck on medication to live day to day “normally”.  Dependent on pills.  Scared of others views of me.  Struggling physically.  Having self image hate.  Craving her existance. 

How do you recover when you grieve the loss of you?