Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was the first that should of included a little boy. It was the 9th that has included my daughter. Overall a great day, I could not stop thinking of Tyler. Fostering a child is not an easy task. A task that those who participate in know winds up with the loss of a child you grow to love just like one that is yours. We did not go into fostering. Tyler was legally free and would’ve been ours if not for Mental Illness returning to me. So now I have learned what it means to be a Foster Mother the hard way. It hurts. It hurts loving a child so much that you can no longer hold, kiss, embrace. Foster parents have a strength that is immeasurable. I gave my heart to him and part of it still resides with him.
I present a poem for my readers today:
A Foster Mother’s Love
By: Stephanie Paige
I cried tonight,
Salted tears down my cheeks,
Tissue in one hand,
Picture of a family never to be in the other.
I am staring at you,
A small tot with a blank face,
Gripping my shirt,
Thinking protect me, hold me, love me.
I gaze at your cherub cheeks,
That dimpled when you smiled,
The petite hands that reached out for mine,
Holding on to love, a new emotion.
I cried tonight,
Mother’s Day and I feel incomplete,
Sharing happiness with your sister,
While a piece of me flies miles away to you.
I trace the curvature of your face,
And pull the picture to my lips,
Kissing your innocence,
Hugging you from afar.
I hold the picture in an embrace,
Just as I did you many months ago, many moons ago,
Squeezing tighter hoping that when my eyes open you will be there.
I think how a few months time,
Turns into a lifetime
Of guilt, shame, blame,
But ultimately a Mother’s love eternal.
I realize your happy face no longer dwells in this home,
But continues to live and love in another,
Taught to you by a family that will never be.
I place the picture back in the envelope and tuck it away,
Another day, a needed cry,
Thoughts of you still floating in my mind.
I am Mother no more physically,
No more hugs, light kisses on cheeks,
No more soft foot falls and shirt grips.
I know even with all the loss
You changed my chemistry, made my heart whole,
Made me a Mother for a second time,
Loving every part of you,
An infinite feeling, never to be changed.