For the last two weeks, I have been doing really well.  Lunesta has cured my insomnia and now most nights I am tired and dozing before I even take the Lunesta.  I have increased my physical workouts these two weeks to include more than just walking at lunch when the weather decides to be anti-winter, which for this season it has been.  It is honestly nice to be tired due to physical activity then to mental drain.

Therapy has helped me climb out of my Depressive funk.  I am focusing on the positives and trying my hardest to remain in the present moment.  I believe this EMDR therapy is teaching me the act of Mindfulness and because of this, I am remaining content.  I am not super happy but I am not having feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.  I am somewhere in the middle currently and for now, I am labeling it content.

My anxiety has been low, so low, some nights I thought about not taking my Ativan before bed.  I have been able to fully function… mind, body and soul.  This is truly a euphoric feeling when you’ve felt like pure shit for the last year.

Until yesterday.

There has been massive pressure at work to get a certain new location’s drawings done.  It is a Department wide project meaning all 18 of us on working on it, which in itself causes some of the stress as sometimes we all need to work in the same drawing.  On top of this, I leave for a business trip for another store of mine that is opening this coming Sunday.  But, I forgot to do something which I didn’t know that it was my job to do.  Here I am trying to locate an interior sign installer to install next week.  Nice, right?!  I am giving them so much time.  Thought I had it all set, and then the first installer said no. 

Uh Oh.

On top of this, my most annoying coworker keeps coming in and out of my cube with changes for this Department wide project.  Yippee!  Just pile on the stress.

It’s only 11am.

Cue my Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  An old friend who was on a two week holiday. 

Suddenly I sense my breaths getting short and shallow. 

Oh boy! 

Next I can’t focus.  What the heck was I working on?   Where did I leave off?  Was I going to make a phone call?  Then I am starting not to recognize what is in front of me… what drawing is this?  What is this a drawing of?  And then the nausea, oh the nausea.  Being stuck between being hungry and vomitus at the same time.  I’m can’t move.  Fused in my chair with 1 million thoughts racing through my mind but I can’t focus on any of them.  I can’t even focus on my music that is playing.  It adds more brain confusion, so I turn it off.  Need to walk, need to breath.  Only about noon.  Shit, lunch isn’t for another hour.

I attempt deep breaths.  Focus on my new learnings in Mindfulness.  Remembering the passages in the book my therapist gave me to read.  I can do this without taking an extra Ativan.  I have been prepared with the tools and am finally in the mindset to do this.  Deep breath in, deep breath out.  Has anything changed.  Not yet.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

I recognize what is on my screen.  Good, something positive.  Still can’t focus too well, but I am breathing better and recognizing things.  I shoot emails to 2 other sign installers and look at the clock.  1pm.  Walk time!

Stepping outside, I am transformed.  Focusing on the clear blue skies and the sun, I am content once again.  All stress and anxiety from before just fades away.  I treasure those 40 minutes of walking.  Breathing in the cool fresh air, breathing out my anxious impurities.  I am rejuvenated… and will not kill my coworker for the day.

Of course it is a new day and guess who has called me over numerous times already for changes and my daughter’s school has been evacuated due to gas odor…

Deep breath in, deep breath out…