Hitting A Wall…

It’s Wednesday.  I’m back at work following a whirlwind business trip that had me awake at 6am on Monday and back at home by 4pm Tuesday.  There were flights, driving, appointments all in the midst of those 36 hours that right now seems like a bowl of mush sloshing around in my head.  I can visualize the trip but pinpointing where I was at an exact time of day is a far off dream that can only be solved by photo and text time stamps.  Just like the trip 2 months ago, I am experiencing deja vu all over again with my Business Trip Bipolar Disorder.  Coming down from extreme highs of feeling important at work with thoughts of, “Wow, it’s only been a year and I am being entrusted to do this landlord turnover myself?!” to “I finally feel so respected.”  Then enjoying a meal with friends you haven’t seen in a couple of years from your good ole’ college days… hearing their work tales, reminiscing… completely fabulous…

Then why do I feel so cruddy?

And in comes the lows… the deep dwelling I hate falling into as it takes a few days to climb out.  Taking a 5 mile walk before my flight back was exhilarating… brisk sunny day, and yet I only feel the physical drain of it.  My ankles sore from power walking on pavement and my mind just wishing it had more time to rest, getting anxiety because it is unsure of the rest it will get.  Everything after that went smoothly… car rental return, security line at the airport, the flight.  And then I got to my car.  Ugh, the 1 hour and 30 minute drive home without traffic.  My eyelids were heavy, very very heavy.  Oh so heavy… and I was only 20 minutes into my drive.  I have never been so scared of falling asleep while driving as I was yesterday.  Somehow I made it home and when I did, I climbed into bed for a nap.

Now we are onto the next day, and I’ve hit a wall!

I can’t.  I just can’t function.  I am still so tired, drained of all physical strength.  Drained of mentality.  Drained of all emotions.  I can’t focus.  My brain is so foggy I feel like a scene of a Scottish Moor after it has rained is in my head.  I want to focus, but there is no use.  Once again, I have read the same line in an email for the 5th time and I still do not know what the email is about!

The kicker… I never felt this way when I wasn’t in the middle of suffering from Depression and Anxiety.  This is all new to me.  New, yes new, new to this veteran of these Mental Illnesses.  I am constantly questioning myself about all my thoughts, feelings and symptoms.  Am I foggy because I am tired?  Am I foggy because recently I am living with constant Anxiety?  Am I foggy now because I have a mild form of PTSD?  Am I foggy because of my ongoing war with Depression?

I don’t have the answers.  Everything changes with age.  It just seems that for me as I get older, my bouts of Depression and Anxiety worsen and tend to hang out with me longer.  Now I worry.  I worry the brain fog will be more constant. I worry about it affecting my driving.  There are many things I have learned about myself over the years, but  what happens when you keep learning new stuff about yourself and you still haven’t corrected the other stuff?  What happens when that new stuff plays games with you… mental games… twisting thoughts, erasing emotions, draining your battery until there is no juice left?

It is Wednesday and I know there is still at least 1 more day of recovery for me.  1 more day that will add to the predicted mental break that is beginning to grow inside of me.  1 more day I will try my hardest to remain present.  1 more day for my anxieties and fears to grow.  1 more day that might grow into 2 more days…

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