cyclical depression – S. Paige Writes:

Every morning when I first wake up before I fully open my eyes, I remember how it used to be, life as it used to be. Some how I can still see it; a time where there were no masks, no political turmoil; a time where I had a purpose, a job, that gave me a reason to get up.

6 months later, and that remembrance of how life used to be has sailed away on the last gust of wind. In what seems like years, we as a nation can agree that these last 6 months have been depleting.

My routine was forever changed on April 1st, 2020 when I found out my last day at work would be the following day. I was devastated. The first couple of weeks after finding out I fell back into a deep depressive state that involved several episodes of self-harm. All I thought was how I was laid off because I was a horrible employee. Somewhere during the last 5 1/2 years, I did something that made me a top candidate to be let go. Only a small piece of me realized that this mass lay off was due to Covid-19.

After meeting via Telehealth with both my psychiatrist and therapist, they thought it best if I created a schedule and stuck to it. So, with the help of my very wise teen daughter, I did just that. Then I took it to another level and decided to turn this huge negative of being laid off into a positive and am pursuing an M.S. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. This is a field I know very well sitting in the front row seat as the client. Now I want to return the favor and give back help to those like me.

With this renewed hope, I was smiling again. I was happy.

And then it all changed.

I think it started with an acquaintance of mine who posted something on Facebook about all the people collecting unemployment and how we are abusing the system for the extra $600 (this was prior to the end of the Federal funding). Within this shared post was how it was unfair to the essential workers (which I fully agree with) who got nothing and they are on the front lines being more exposed (*Side note… not all essential workers were in danger of being exposed like the men and women who work the hospitals. But I digress). Also within this dialogue was how we on unemployment were lazy and not looking for jobs because we are just living off the state and the federal government and how if we weren’t lazy, we would look for a job, any job, even if it meant minimum wage.

I was offended. I responded to this person’s post and said that I was not lazy and was looking and had applied to jobs even though we weren’t required to at the moment because of Covid-19. The return response was something to the effect of “Well, if it doesn’t concern you, stay out of it”. This was a person I at one time considered to be a best friend. A friend who knew my work ethic from the beginning. To call all of us on unemployment lazy did in fact concern me. I was defending myself as well as others like myself.

I think more than anything, it broke my heart to know that no matter what this person knew of me and about me, this is how they viewed me. I had long ago realized our friendship would never be as strong as it once was (and I mourned it then), but now I knew I had to cut the ties of whatever was left.

Because I live with chronic depression, I sat with this situation and started questioning myself to see if I was this “lazy” person. I had applied to several jobs. That being said, I was not running out and applying for minimum wage jobs as I was receiving a good income where I was, and yes, my unemployment was far more than any minimum wage job would pay me. I think the main problem with the job hunt for me was the narrow field I had placed myself into. There were not many openings for architectural project managers or cad operators. If an opening popped up, I applied.

6 months later, where has it gotten me?

Sinking into a deeper depressive hole that is rapidly circling the drain.

I’ve applied to 20-25 jobs. Most of them are cad positions where all the employer has to do is take a look at my 18 years of experience and throw my application out. No employer wants to pay for someone with that experience when they can pay someone with 2+ years for a lot less. I have had many views on my applications, but only 3 bites. As I like to call it, I have had the planes, trains, and automobiles of interviews: 1 phone, 1 Zoom, and 1 in-person.

So far, nothing. Yes, I understand, we are still head deep in the mess that is Covid-19, but what you, my reader, might not understand is that I have NEVER been unemployed before. Ever. After 6 months, I feel like I never will be employed again. And I am almost as depressed as I was during all of 2019, and that is not good.

I have not harmed myself since June, but it plays out in my head often as well as intrusive thoughts such as trucks hitting my car while I’m driving and my yearning for it. And yet, I have not spoken with my therapist since July. Family members have asked me why I would not talk with him. There are a few reasons: I despise Telehealth, I want to physically sit face-to-face; with being unemployed there is a lack of funds; and lastly, what new would he tell me that I haven’t heard before through the decades of therapy I’ve had?

I told my psychiatrist all this during my ‘appointment’ with her over the phone and she expressed to me that maybe I needed a change of therapy type, that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) didn’t sound like it was working for me anymore. She brought up DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy) again, along with ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). She had brought these up to me about a year ago as well. Couple that fact with the medication I’m on not alleviating my symptoms, and I know I am in trouble.

It’s funny really, how on December 31st, 2019 I shed my major depression by saying “2020 is my year to take me back!”. My inner bitch is laughing about it now. It started out that way. Now, with this deepening depression, I am being cautious to not jinx 2021; I need to see the script before I commit to you!

I really just want to be okay.

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*To note: I am not suicidal. Yes, I have self-harming and intrusive thoughts, but I am under the care of a psychiatrist. I have sought out a therapist in the area who specializes in DBT and ACT and will be seeing him in-person (yes, with masks) this Thursday. I want to get better; I am just so tired of fighting.

It is not a shock that I was laid-off due to Covid-19. I am one among thousands who were. This lay-off, though, has led to an interesting learning experience about medical insurance and medication. This will be a two-part blog series as there is a side story that I will twist with humor concerning GoodRx.

I have spoken at great length about my extensive history with mental illness (yes, Stephanie, we know already!). I have been on various medications throughout these last 22 years (I didn’t start meds until I was 18). After two decades, my body said nope, not anymore to the antidepressant, Lexapro. This drug worked so well until it didn’t. I was not sad to see it go. Since I was put on every known SSRI*, my psychiatrist recommended switching to an SNRI*.

So here I am, newly unemployed and feeling highly depressed, inadequate, and self-loathing. I have a telehealth session with my psychiatrist the beginning of May. She sends my scripts to Express Scripts, the online pharmacy that I was using with my now former job. I’m thinking that things will go as normal as the company paid for two months of COBRA*.

Boy was I wrong!

I thought it very funny that I never received a text that the drugs shipped. Of course, because I am now over 40, I did not recognize this until a week and a half later. I am filling my pill container and gasped when I realized I was in dire need of my SNRI, the generic version of Cymbalta. I was beginning to run low on my 100mg lamotrigine as well. The latter helps me with the cyclical nature of my depression (I do not have bipolar disorder, I lack the mania aspect).

“Shit! Shit! Shit!”

Anyone who has ever been on an antidepressant knows that it is really bad to go off of them cold turkey. Depression symptoms can quickly elevate and worsen. You are also at a higher risk of suicide. Now you understand my profanity.

I quickly log on to Express Scripts to see where these prescriptions that my psychiatrist ordered two weeks ago are. What do I see for each and every one of them? CANCELED. Um, what?! I am now panicking. I only have a week left of the Cymbalta. This is not good.

I call Express Scripts.

The nice lady on the phone tells me that she sees the five prescriptions as canceled but cannot tell me why. I explain to her my dire situation. She is of no help. She notices I have a refill left on the lamotrigine 100mg and says she can put that through but because that script technically expired she has to notify my doctor. I explain to her that I really need the Cymbalta more, that I was laid-off, and only have insurance through mid-June. She checks my account and says, it is showing me you have no insurance coverage.

What?! Wait, did I miss something in the awfully confusing COBRA paperwork?! Of course, I did. One needs a lawyer to fully decipher that thing.

I hang up with this ‘delightful’ lady as she works diligently contacting my doctor’s office to fill the expired refill. This is the 3rd full week in May (take note of this date, it is necessary for the end of this post). I need to also mention that my psychiatrist is now out on maternity leave (ugh, I see Murphy’s Law is in play).

As if talking with Express Scripts wasn’t enough, I now decided to contact COBRA. A different ‘delightful’ woman looks into my file and tells me, wait for it, you never elected coverage. You are not insured. What?! The letter I received from my now-defunct job said I was covered for two months! I am so confused and rapidly falling into an anxiety spiral. I am trying to explain this to her and we ultimately go back and forth between “You are not insured. You needed to elect to be covered” and “But my job sent me a letter saying I was insured.” Ultimately, I lost the battle.

Okay, Stephanie, let’s regroup. You are not insured. Your psychiatrist is out on maternity leave. All of your Express Scripts prescriptions have been canceled. And, most importantly, you now have five days left on your antidepressant. FUCK!

I quickly call the doctor’s office and explain to the receptionist what happened. Her voice tells me she isn’t quite convinced of my story. I’m gathering her first instinct is that I am a patient dying to get my hands on some good ‘stuff’. Yes, that is definitely it… Cymbalta, Gabapentin, Lamotrigine, and Trazodone. Those are definitely drugs I can get high off of and sell on the street for some mad dough (note sarcasm, none of them are). I am on the verge of tears about the Cymbalta. She informs me that she will have another doctor send it in. I have her send it to a local grocery store pharmacy where it is cheaper. Remember, not employed, GoodRx to the rescue (or are they?)!

I will avoid telling my twisted tale concerning GoodRx until my next blog post. We will just say that all my prescriptions were filled on time. I now have at home over 120 pills of Trazodone, Lamitrigene 25mg, and Gabapentin. My prescriptions are for 90 days. The pharmacist doesn’t even bother putting my Cymbalta tabs in another bottle. I receive the original bottle the pharmacist received. I am a at around 100 pills for the Lamitrigene 100mg.

So I am well stocked for the next few months.

Then, my husband finally adds my daughter and me to his insurance. I meet with my psychiatrist over the internet once again at the end of July. She already has my new insurance. She automatically sends my prescriptions into CVS. I hadn’t realized she had done this until I received a text from CVS letting me know my prescriptions are ready. I go to the CVS I think they were called in to pick them up. Nope, not that one. They were put into the one near my former employment. Because I know myself, I knew that passing by would be very emotionally triggering for me. I went online and had them mail them to me for free.

So if you are doing the math right, here are the current totals (remember two months have gone by):

Cymbalta: Around 120 capsules
Lamotrigine 100mg: Around 120 tablets
Lamotrigine 25mg: About 320 tablets (I take 2/day and had plenty to start)
Trazodone: Around 120 tablets
Gabapentin: Around 120 capsules

Too many, right?! Well, remember when I told you to keep the 3rd week in May in mind? The time the ‘delightful’ lady from Express Scripts was going to contact my doctor to fill the expired prescription? Yeah, I almost didn’t either.

Guess what showed up last week… that prescription. Only 3 months late! Add another 90 tablets of Lamotrigine 100mg to my list.

I can now put CVS out of business!

*SSRI is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor which increases the amount of serotonin your brain produces. To note, serotonin is mass-produced in your gut but this serotonin does not travel into the brain.

*SNRI is a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. As you probably has guess this class of drug not only increases your brain serotonin levels but also your norepinephrine levels. Both help you to feel happy.

*COBRA is a confusing and expensive way to continue your health benefits after you have been let-go or fired. Really, don’t use it unless you really need to, and then there are still cheaper options out there.

S. Paige Writes:

Tag: cyclical depression

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