Category: counseling

6 Months Later… I Am Not Okay And Sinking Fast

On By spaige08In counseling, depression, masters degree, medication, mental health, mental health awareness, mental illness, self harm, Uncategorized, writingLeave a comment

Every morning when I first wake up before I fully open my eyes, I remember how it used to be, life as it used to be. Some how I can still see it; a time where there were no masks, no political turmoil; a time where I had a purpose, a job, that gave me a reason to get up.

6 months later, and that remembrance of how life used to be has sailed away on the last gust of wind. In what seems like years, we as a nation can agree that these last 6 months have been depleting.

My routine was forever changed on April 1st, 2020 when I found out my last day at work would be the following day. I was devastated. The first couple of weeks after finding out I fell back into a deep depressive state that involved several episodes of self-harm. All I thought was how I was laid off because I was a horrible employee. Somewhere during the last 5 1/2 years, I did something that made me a top candidate to be let go. Only a small piece of me realized that this mass lay off was due to Covid-19.

After meeting via Telehealth with both my psychiatrist and therapist, they thought it best if I created a schedule and stuck to it. So, with the help of my very wise teen daughter, I did just that. Then I took it to another level and decided to turn this huge negative of being laid off into a positive and am pursuing an M.S. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. This is a field I know very well sitting in the front row seat as the client. Now I want to return the favor and give back help to those like me.

With this renewed hope, I was smiling again. I was happy.

And then it all changed.

I think it started with an acquaintance of mine who posted something on Facebook about all the people collecting unemployment and how we are abusing the system for the extra $600 (this was prior to the end of the Federal funding). Within this shared post was how it was unfair to the essential workers (which I fully agree with) who got nothing and they are on the front lines being more exposed (*Side note… not all essential workers were in danger of being exposed like the men and women who work the hospitals. But I digress). Also within this dialogue was how we on unemployment were lazy and not looking for jobs because we are just living off the state and the federal government and how if we weren’t lazy, we would look for a job, any job, even if it meant minimum wage.

I was offended. I responded to this person’s post and said that I was not lazy and was looking and had applied to jobs even though we weren’t required to at the moment because of Covid-19. The return response was something to the effect of “Well, if it doesn’t concern you, stay out of it”. This was a person I at one time considered to be a best friend. A friend who knew my work ethic from the beginning. To call all of us on unemployment lazy did in fact concern me. I was defending myself as well as others like myself.

I think more than anything, it broke my heart to know that no matter what this person knew of me and about me, this is how they viewed me. I had long ago realized our friendship would never be as strong as it once was (and I mourned it then), but now I knew I had to cut the ties of whatever was left.

Because I live with chronic depression, I sat with this situation and started questioning myself to see if I was this “lazy” person. I had applied to several jobs. That being said, I was not running out and applying for minimum wage jobs as I was receiving a good income where I was, and yes, my unemployment was far more than any minimum wage job would pay me. I think the main problem with the job hunt for me was the narrow field I had placed myself into. There were not many openings for architectural project managers or cad operators. If an opening popped up, I applied.

6 months later, where has it gotten me?

Sinking into a deeper depressive hole that is rapidly circling the drain.

I’ve applied to 20-25 jobs. Most of them are cad positions where all the employer has to do is take a look at my 18 years of experience and throw my application out. No employer wants to pay for someone with that experience when they can pay someone with 2+ years for a lot less. I have had many views on my applications, but only 3 bites. As I like to call it, I have had the planes, trains, and automobiles of interviews: 1 phone, 1 Zoom, and 1 in-person.

So far, nothing. Yes, I understand, we are still head deep in the mess that is Covid-19, but what you, my reader, might not understand is that I have NEVER been unemployed before. Ever. After 6 months, I feel like I never will be employed again. And I am almost as depressed as I was during all of 2019, and that is not good.

I have not harmed myself since June, but it plays out in my head often as well as intrusive thoughts such as trucks hitting my car while I’m driving and my yearning for it. And yet, I have not spoken with my therapist since July. Family members have asked me why I would not talk with him. There are a few reasons: I despise Telehealth, I want to physically sit face-to-face; with being unemployed there is a lack of funds; and lastly, what new would he tell me that I haven’t heard before through the decades of therapy I’ve had?

I told my psychiatrist all this during my ‘appointment’ with her over the phone and she expressed to me that maybe I needed a change of therapy type, that CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) didn’t sound like it was working for me anymore. She brought up DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy) again, along with ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). She had brought these up to me about a year ago as well. Couple that fact with the medication I’m on not alleviating my symptoms, and I know I am in trouble.

It’s funny really, how on December 31st, 2019 I shed my major depression by saying “2020 is my year to take me back!”. My inner bitch is laughing about it now. It started out that way. Now, with this deepening depression, I am being cautious to not jinx 2021; I need to see the script before I commit to you!

I really just want to be okay.

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*To note: I am not suicidal. Yes, I have self-harming and intrusive thoughts, but I am under the care of a psychiatrist. I have sought out a therapist in the area who specializes in DBT and ACT and will be seeing him in-person (yes, with masks) this Thursday. I want to get better; I am just so tired of fighting.

A Look At LGBTQ+ Adolescents Concerning Self-Harm & Suicide: What Can We As A Community Do?

On By spaige08In Advocacy, anxiety, counseling, depression, hospitalization, masters degree, mental health, mental health awareness, mental illness, parenting, self harm, stigma, suicide, teens, Uncategorized, writing, Youth Mental HealthLeave a comment
Image by Jasmin Sessler from Pixabay

I have been asked in my current Introduction to Mental Health Counseling class to take the population I most desire to work with and discuss a particular issue that exists and what we, as the public, can do about it. Because of the suicide of a 12-year-old girl last summer, I have become a huge advocate in youth mental health. The public school system where I live, has started to educate students at the middle school level. Still, instead of calling out the names of these mental illnesses, they group everything under “stress” and “social-emotional well-being.” My first thought is good, they are doing something, but I think as younger adolescents are affected, schools, parents, and the community need to do more.

My Desire To Work With LGBTQ+ Adolescents

As I researched further, I saw a more pertinent need in helping adolescents that identify as LGBTQ+. This need first arose in me after having a friend back in the late 1990s stay ‘in the closet’ because he feared he would be ostracized. When he finally did come out, we told him that he could have told us sooner. We loved him for him, not for his sexual preference.

This yearning increased as my daughter would continue to tell me about friends and classmates in her middle school who were in the sexual and/or gender minority. I felt compassion and empathy for them because they had to keep everything hidden for the same fear my friend had all those years ago. Some of them had to keep it hidden from their parents as well, thinking they would not understand and would disown them. All of this hiding puts stress on LGBTQ+ youth and can, in turn, cause a severe episode of depression. This depression can get worse and lead to self-harm and suicide.

The Facts

I am no professional so I sought out peer-reviewed scholarly articles, meaning they are reliable and trustworthy.

For reference, when I speak of gender minority, I am discussing those that identify as nonbinary, transgender, gender-queer, gender-fluid, and gender nonconforming (Ross-Reed et al., 2019). When I speak of a sexual minority, I am referring to those that are gay, lesbian, or bisexual (Oginni et al., 2019).

One of the first articles I read concerned a study done in the Avon area of England. The group that was studied was 4,274 children from infancy up to the twenties. They were observed at several points throughout their lives including at the ages of 15, 17, 18, and 20. They were looked at for sexual orientations and the relationship to depression, self-esteem, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. It was noted that the individuals who identified as in the sexual minority were more likely to develop depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation due to the societal stigma that surrounded them (Oginni et al., 2019)

Then, I reviewed a survey performed by the schools in Albuquerque, NM. This was one of the few school locations that looked at gender minority students with regard to their cisgender counterparts. The survey looked at the likelihood of developing violence victimization and self-harm as well as support systems in play for adolescents. The overall consensus was that the gender minority group had a higher percentage of victimization and self-harm than their cisgender peers. They also had significantly less support from family, school, the community, and peers (Ross-Reed et al., 2019).

A similar look at the under-served population of gender minority adolescents noted that these teens had a higher percentage of depression and suicide than their sexual minority peers. It was suggested that there is a clear need for prevention and intervention programs to serve this population especially due to the lack of data that is available. In one study it was noted that 83% of gender minority youth reported feeling depressed, 54% of them contemplated suicide, and 29% of them attempted suicide compared to their cisgender peers (Price-Feeney et al., 2020).

What Can We Do?

So, what can we actually do to help our stigmatized sexual and gender minorities? I am not going to lie, this is a tough question. Support is key. These adolescents need to know there is someone that supports them. They need to know that there is an adult who will advocate for them whether it is a parent, a neighbor, a teacher, or someone in the community. Once licensed, I will be their advocate with the schools, their parents, and the community. Adults that support this population need to come forward and publicly let these students know they are there for them.

One way my town supports our LGBTQ+ youth is that there is a yearly Pride Parade at the beginning of May. This event was created by two eighth-graders for their final middle school project. Every year there has been a large turnout. There is a walk which includes several local groups, including Free Mom Hugs, which I am apart of. There are many tents that have valuable information regarding the LGBTQ+ community as well as supportive local organizations.

We as a whole population need to learn acceptance and have empathy for LGBTQ+ adolescents (Ross-Reed et al., 2019). To just imagine the struggles they are going through breaks my heart.

What suggestions do you as my readers have to help the LGBTQ+ youth feel accepted?

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Important Resources for LGBTQ+ Adolescents

National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-TALK

Crisis Text Hotline: 741741

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

LGBT National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860

References

Oginni, O. A., Robinson, E.J., Jones, A., Rahman Q., & Rimes, K.A. (2019). Mediators of increased self-harm and suicidal ideation in sexual minority youth: a longitudinal study. Psychological Medicine, 49(15), 2524-2532. https://doi-org.ezp.waldenulibrary.org/10.1017/s003329171800346x

Price-Feeney, M., Green, A.E., & Dorison, S. (2020). Understanding the mental health of transgender and nonbinary youth. Journal of Adolescent Health, 66(6), 684-690.

Ross-Reed, D.E., Reno, J., Penaloza, L., Green, D., & Fitzgerald, C. (2019). Family, school, and peer support are associated with rates of violence victimization and self-harm among gender minority and cisgender youth… Head To Toe Conference, April 25, 2019, Albuquerque, New Mexico. Journal of Adolescent Health, 65(6), 776-783. https://doi-org.ezp.waldenulibrary.org/101016/j.jadohealth.2019.07.013

Covid-19: A Glimmer of Light

On By spaige08In Advocacy, counseling, depression, masters degree, mental health, mental health awareness, mental illness, suicide, Uncategorized, writing, Youth Mental HealthLeave a comment

I have been absent, silent, and honestly, very confused by Covid-19. The world of US residents has been turned upside down since mid-March, and we are just now slowly climbing out of our dark holes. Although most of the country is experiencing something similar to what professionals deem “the second wave,” I would like to stay in the bubble of New England where (knock on wood) we have flattened the curve.

How can there be any light among the despair of a global pandemic?! The rollercoaster ride I’ve ridden these past four months had mostly drops instead of inclines. I had no positives in my life except for the health of my friends and family. I had lost my job. I had lost my uncle. I had lost the intimacy of actually spending time with friends face-to-face. I was spiraling fast, and it was not a place I wanted to go again.

At the urging of my therapist and psychiatrist, I made concrete schedules for my former workdays. I had to keep myself busy; otherwise, my brain would wander off to the wonderful (note sarcasm) negative thoughts that have plagued it for decades. The schedule worked fine for a while, but soon it was becoming mundane. I needed more. I needed a light bulb to go on.

And then it did.

I decided there could be a positive outcome from this pandemic for me. I decided to pursue a Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. The pandemic had given me the time to reinvent myself, to change careers.

I started at a CACREP accredited university on June 1st and am almost finished with the first quarter. There are two classes per quarter with a one week break at the end of the courses. The first two classes were Foundations of Graduate Study in Counseling and Introduction to Mental Health Counseling. The former was only a 6-week course, which I finished with an ‘S.’ I know, I know, only an ‘S’?! This course had two final grades: ‘S’ for satisfactory and ‘U’ for unsatisfactory. I have to say, though, the ‘S’ really deflates the 99.95% I had in the course.

My Intro to Mental Health Counseling course has proved to be very informative and interesting. While this is an online program, we have a professor and classmates which we interact with on weekly discussions. We have had a brief overview of the history of mental health, self-care, ethics, and multicultural counseling.

I just finished my assignment for this week, which was a reflection on our own biases and differences and how, as a counselor, this could affect us. We had to examine our self. What I have realized upon reading all the material and taking a few self-assessment quizzes, is that although I am a relatively unbiased person, I do have some slight prejudices. I accept this and will learn from this assignment that I will always need to self-assess and, of course, put my clients first.

The final project for this course is to interview a licensed counselor who works with your desired population. I tended to flip-flop on the population I want to work with. First, I wanted to work with women from postpartum to post-menopause. Then, a local girl took her life and that changed everything for me. I understood this girl because I was similar to her in my adolescence with severe depression. At the point I read about her suicide, I decided if I ever went back to school to become a therapist, I would counsel youth and adolescents. I believe helping this population can have staggering effects on their future as adults. Luckily, I know a fabulous child therapist. She is the one my daughter sees and has done wonders with her.

For next week’s assignment I need to advocate for my desired population concerning a topic that affects them. We can present this as a Powerpoint presentation, brochure, flyer, and blog post. What better way to express my advocacy than doing what I have already been doing through my blog!

So, in the next day or two, you will see a new blog post from me. It will not be in my usual format as I am required to use a couple of citations, but it will concern the mental health of our youth. I am sure many of my parental readers will find value in it.

I hope that you, my readers, will join me at the end of the tunnel, where the glimmer of light shines in this currently dismal world. Maybe by reading this post, you can find your own glimmer of light, your own glimmer of hope.