When I used to look into the mirror,
I saw a happy, sunshine smile, confidence, compassion and empathy,
Colossal amounts of love, being loved, giving love,
I saw strength the trifecta; muscles, grin lines, intelligence,
And then it all drifted away on a stormy wind.
Now I see hatred with my bitch taking the lead,
On a chariot, riding fiercely with her friends, negativity and loathing,
I see the emptiness in my lack of emotion (laughing no more)
In my eyes that used to shine it’s grassy green hue (now forlorn),
I see my weakness’ growing in numbers,
They prevail over any good I once saw.
I see the scars, tiny slashes on my wrist,
The memory of the internal pain, guilt, and yes, some shame,
The urge rising to repeat the action,
The bitch yelling I deserve the agony, the suffering,
More scarlet droplets trailing down my arm,
And the repetitive thought of how much worse will it get.
The reflection I see, is not a happy one, not a sad one, it is a blank one,
One that feels nothing, embraces apathy,
I am not sure it will change, although I know it did before,
What was that? With pills, therapy and self care I’ll thrive?
Ha, I am doing all those and still nothing changes, fight no more.
With the bitch infinitely cackling, I now take on advice given many times:
Acceptance is key; I invite you in, on my sofa, to envelope me, for eternity.
© Stephanie Paige 11/26/19