My daughter has seen it all. From her oceanic blue eyes in her cherub baby face to now, almost 12 years later. She is a remarkable child who has not only witnessed her mother’s hysterics (& panic attacks, drastic weight loss and days of not getting out of bed) but also her own diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My daughter, given the name Sophia Faye at birth, is the epitome of the meaning… “Wise Fairy”. Sophia is an old soul and understands so much for such a young person. Many words can be used to describe her but at the top of the list are definitely compassionate, empathetic, caring and loving. There are days I may miss her little toddling body and cheeky grins but I love watching her blossom into the amazing young lady she is today.
When I decided to do this interview series, I knew I had to interview her. I have not hid much from her. In fact 3 years ago I was so foregone I couldn’t. She learned about suicide at the tender age of 8 and questioned me often about it. She knows I grew to hate her as a newborn. I’ve always explained things to her in an age appropriate manner and often worried about her reactions but she has always listened, digested and never ever judged. I am amazed by her and couldn’t of asked for a better child.
Lounging in her preteen abode full of textured pillows and dozens of Stitch stuffed animals early in the evening, we both relaxed on her bed. There were many giggles beforehand as she pictured this interview as a video recording and not just a vocal recording. She was a little nervous, as was I, and we both tend to laugh a lot when we are nervous:
Me: How did you feel when I told you I grew to hate you when you were a baby?
Me: How come you were okay with it?
Sophia: Because I knew you didn’t mean it.
Concerning 3 years ago
Me: What did you feel and think when I left the house 3 years ago to stay with Bubbe & Grandpa (my parents) because Tyler (former foster son) was triggering me?
Sophia: I don’t remember that.
Me: It was only 3 years ago!
Sophia: Didn’t I come with you?
Me: You did.
Sophia: It was when he left?
Sophia: Oh, I mean, I was… I didn’t even notice anything was wrong with you. Like, I… I don’t really know. I felt fine because I didn’t know you were triggered.
Me: I left the house because I couldn’t stay there.
Sophia: But wasn’t I there too?
Me: I don’t think you came the first night.
Sophia: Oh. I don’t remember. I’m getting old!
Me (after rolling my eyes at that last statement): How did you feel when I admitted myself into the hospital?
Me: Did you know why I was there?
Sophia: No, I’m not sure. No.
Me: What did you think when you couldn’t visit me in the hospital and had to stay in the cafeteria with Grandpa?
Sophia: I wasn’t happy about it. I mean, I wanted to see you.
Me: You weren’t allowed to see me because they were worried about what the other people might say to you, what you might see.
Sophia: Oh, okay.
Me: Were you scared when I was released from the hospital?
Sophia: No, because I was happy you were going to leave and come home.
Me: You’ve been protecting me since the hospital stay. How come?
Sophia: Because I don’t want you to go back to the hospital.
GAD, PPD, Depression, & Suicide
Me: Do you blame me for your Generalized Anxiety Disorder and it is okay if you do?
Me: Do you blame anyone for it?
Sophia: No. Why would I?
Me: Do you wish you were ‘normal’?
Me: If you didn’t worry about the things you worry about?
Sophia: Sometimes, because sometimes it is good to worry.
Me: Do you fear you’ll have Postpartum Depression and Anxiety because I had it?
Me: Do you worry or fear you’ll have a Depressive Disorder because I have one?
Sophia: I don’t usually think about it. I guess, but that is only when I think about it.
Me: Do you know when I was first diagnosed (with Depression)?
Sophia: You were 14.
Me: And how old are you?
Sophia: I am 11.
Me: So you are close to that age.
Me: That’s why I watch you a lot.
Sophia: That’s not creepy.
Me: Not in that sense Sophia. I’m not stalking you… Are you worried I will commit suicide?
Sophia: Very much.
Me: How come?
Sophia: You told me how you took that can cutter thing (a case cutter) and almost cut your hand off (almost slit my wrist).
Me: I was 18 then.
Me: That was 20 years ago.
Sophia: You also said that if you go off of medicine you’re probably going to want to commit suicide the next time you have an episode (of Major Depressive Disorder).
Me: Are you worried I will hurt myself?
Me: Do you think there will be a next time?
Sophia: Yes, just because of events that can happen in the future.
Me: Like what?
Sophia: Like Bubbe & Grandpa dying or like the kitties dying and stuff.
Me: Do you think because of what I have been through that I am too overprotective with you about Mental Illness?
Sophia: Sometimes. There is no reason you should be.
Me: Do you understand why I am?
Sophia: Yeah. Because you don’t want me to get Depression and stuff.
Stigma & Advocacy
Me: What have I told you about stigma?
Sophia: What does stigma mean again?
Me: Hard to define but how people think the Mentally Ill are a danger to our society, that you should be hush-hush about it because people may not hire you, people may not want to be your friend, people don’t believe it is real.
Sophia: You’ve told me.
Me: And what do you think about that?
Sophia: I mean if that’s what they think, that’s what they think.
Me: Because you know that one of your grandparents thinks that way.
Sophia: Well, yeah, but…
Me: How do you feel knowing that you have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and you have a grandparent that doesn’t believe it exists?
Sophia: Well, that’s what he can think.
Me: Do you understand why I advocate for this?
Sophia: What does that mean, advocate?
Me: Why I share my story. Why I try to teach others.
Me: Do you see yourself doing that?
Sophia: I don’t know.
Thoughts on Me, Her Mom
Me: Do you think I am a bad mother?
Sophia: No. Not at all. Why would I think you were?
Me: Do you ever wish you had a mother that wasn’t like this?
Me: Did you ever think I was a bad mother?
Me: How do you characterize your mother?
Sophia: Worried, anxious, fun, caring, loving, sometimes depressed.
Me: Do you always related Mental Illness stuff to your mom?
Sophia: Like different things other than Postpartum?
Me: Well I have had Depression since I was 14. There have been others thrown in there.
Sophia: When I think of Depression I don’t think of you as ‘Oh, she’s depressed’, I think ‘she is still alive and she is strong’.
Me: You see me as strong and a fighter?
Me: What traits do you hope you get from me or do you see you already have gotten?
Sophia: I want to get your determination and your strength and sometimes your empathy because a lot of times empathy is good and I want your mental strength.
Me: Any last comments on me, your mother?
Sophia: I love her.
Me: Would you want any other mother besides me?
Me: How much do you love me?
Sophia: To infinity and beyond!
I am truly grateful for this kid!