I am a selfless person. I always put others needs ahead of my own to the extent that I ignore my body and brain’s signals that I am not well. I want people to be happy… my family, my friends, my coworkers. I want the world to be happy ahead of me. I live to please others. Ask anyone I know, and the word selfish would never be used to describe me.
But two weeks ago I was reminded that there is always a part of you that is selfish, even when you don’t realize it.
I was going through a bit of a rough patch since my business trip early last month as usual whenever I travel. After I arrived home, I was met with several days of heightened Anxiety and even a Panic Attack. This was followed by 8 days of a Depressive state. I felt empty and alone. There were a couple of days I forced myself out of bed and many days I struggled to find anything enjoyable in my life. I knew if this lasted a few more days I would be headed to another diagnosed episode of Depression. Of course, in my mind, I was already there.
Within these 8 days I felt increasingly isolated, not from my family, but from social interactions with friends. I internally blamed myself as anxious Depressives often do. I was the reason my friends were ignoring me (so I thought). Was I talking about my Mental Illnesses too much? Was I too socially awkward for them? Did I say something? Did I do something? Was I acting too weird?
And then I got a text message from one of these friends asking me about something I have considerable knowledge on… psychiatrists. She then proceeded to tell me it was for her. There was some shock when I found out. In almost 6 years of knowing her, she never mentioned a need for a psychiatrist. I became worried and asked her what was wrong. She then requested a time we could talk face-to-face.
I went to her house last weekend where she told me why she has been so absent this last year (her story to tell, not mine). Never in my hysterical thinking did it ever occur to me that one of my close friends was going through a major life change. A mutual friend of ours was there too. She explained that she shared the same thinking I had, that we did or said something wrong. And then she said something that struck me…
“Although normal, it is such a selfish way of thinking.”
Ah ha! Light bulb moment!
And there it was, the selfish side of me, my Depression. Every question concerned only me, myself and I. I started to analyze my past Depressive episodes and the questions I always asked myself and there was one cohesive theme… I, I, I! How my life sucked. How no one wanted to hang out with me. How I was worthless. So many I’s and Me’s. It never occurred to me that my friends and family might see me differently, that they needed me, that they might be struggling. The thought of anyone else in my life having a rough time never passed through my mind. It was always about me.