I am sitting here nauseated. Stomach churning. Gurgling. Body repulsed and mimicking regurgitating motions when thinking of eating my breakfast. It is almost 11am and I have not eaten anything yet. I have been up since 6:40. I am anxious. Anxiety has been building in me since this past weekend started. There is so much to do and, frankly, not enough time.
On Thursday, I leave for Atlanta. I am going for pleasure, not business this time. I will be spending three days there interacting with a wonderful group of Warrior Moms at the 2nd Annual Warrior Mom Conference. This is indeed a no judgment zone, more so than Planet Fitness. All of us have empathy. All of us can relate to each other in some way because all of us have suffered and survived a Postpartum Mental Illness. I have enthusiastic anxiety. I am elated to see all of these mothers I met last year and to meet so many more this year. I can’t wait to learn more about what I can bring to my community. And, of course, see a little bit of Atlanta while enjoying some Southern fare.
One minor problem that weighs heavily and what is causing my anxiety to grow… I decided to have my daughter’s birthday party the day after I get back, this Sunday. I did this for numerous reasons. Sunday is her actual birthday. I also wanted to get this party stuff over and done with. By doing this, I left the last minute party details in the hands of my husband, a guy who is wonderful, but has never helped me with planning any of our daughter’s parties. Now in addition to my packing list, I have to create the “You Need To Do This On Saturday For The Party” list.
And, I am at work… getting overwhelmed with what I need to do here and the above mentioned.
I’m worried. No, scratch that, I am fearful that I stretched myself too thin. I am very worried that I’ll snap and like a stone released from a slingshot, be propelled backwards even deeper into that sinking hold of my Anxiety Disorder. That quicksand, suffocating. Drowning in the depths of my Frenimies… Anxiety and Depression.
And I did it anyway. I created this. I could have easily made my daughter’s party another weekend. What the heck was I thinking?! My flight home won’t arrive back at the airport until 11pm on Saturday. I won’t get back to my house until 12am, 1am on Sunday the 16th, my daughter’s 10th birthday.
And then there is that… the fact that my baby, my Only, is turning 10. Double-digits. I am extremely excited to celebrate this with her, but devastated that this is the beginning of the end of her young childhood. From this point on she will get moodier, meaner, more secluded. First with prepubescence and then with becoming a full-fledged teenager. My sweet little girl will start to not want to be seen with me. She’ll start to pull away from hugs and avoid kisses. Yes, 10 starts my grieving process. Grieving for the baby, toddler, and young child she isn’t anymore.
So many emotions going through me in this short period of time. I will be fine, yes extremely anxious, but fine until I come back from the conference and get through her birthday. Then all hell will break loose. This has happened to me numerous times before. I did take measures to try to relieve the affects of all these emotions, feelings and side effects from this Anxiety. I decided to take Monday off of work too. Crazy, I wasn’t going to do that originally. I scheduled a massage and have therapy that day. I am hoping to hike, weather permitting. All things that help me cope, that relax me, rejuvenate me.
Now I wait… wait to see how bad my emotional aftermath will be. Wait to see how dead tired and irritable I will be on Sunday as I entertain about 10 girls age 8-10 of course putting on a happy face and pleasant demeanor. Wait to see when it all will hit me.
Going to try to force myself to eat breakfast now (at 11:30am)…