I had a son.

When I met him, he was barely 2 1/2 years old with an adjusted age of about eighteen months.  All I saw were his deep dark sienna eyes and his messy brown-black hair.

I had a son.

He was all mine from the first day I saw him anxious to give him a hug as I heard him “read” a book.

I had a son.

Soon after he moved in, scared about this new life, he began not to eat or drink, and worried for him, I began not to eat.

I had a son.

I watched him slowly develop with a curiosity a toddler is supposed to have.  

I had a son.

With each new discovery he made, I grew more love for him and more worry.

I had a son.

In that short time he was with us, we taught him how to eat, play, love.  We taught him family.

I had a son.

And when I left him, I was severely broken, pieces all over the floor.

I had a son.

I loved him so much, I craved to keep my family together, as I slowly killed myself.

I had a son.

And after he left, and the negative comments came from a certain person, my guilt grew… I was told I didn’t love him, I didn’t care for him, I acted selfishly, I ruined everything.

I had a son.

And every morning I wake up with his face in my mind, sad for him leaving, happy he was ours.

I had a son.

And I always think about him.  There is never a day in my mind where his dimpled cheek smile does not appear.

I had a son.

A little boy that looked so much like a certain baby picture of mine, he could’ve truly been birthed by me.

I had a son.

I have celebrated his past two birthdays with a candle lit cupcake and later on tears.

I had a son.

Now he lives with another Mommy and Daddy.  The hardest decision ever made, but the best for him.

I had a son.

Each day I yearn to see him, to hug him, to kiss him.

I had a son.

Often, almost two years later, I am still smelling the clothes he came with.  Inhaling everything about him.

I had a son.

My Tyler Rocco.

*****

I wrote this during a bad day recently.  Crying, full of tears. Shame and blame for Tyler leaving weighed heavily on me.  

When I wrote this, I wasn’t sure whether it was a poem or just a normal piece of writing. Still am not sure.