Last night I had a dream.

It started with myself interviewing for some new job in Manhattan.  I was dressed up in a flowy top with black dress pants and black shoes.  I was like a child who has come to NYC for the first time and in such awe with the size of the skyscrapers.  I was nervous, anxious and excited for this new opportunity.

My mind was flashing back to some time period before, a week, two weeks, when Jimmy and I were approached by DCF one night on our doorstep with Tyler.  His new foster family could not take care of him anymore and they were seeing if any of his former foster homes would.  Before I could think about anything, past, present or future, I jumped in and said, “Yes, most definitely.”  I was getting my boy back.  He had grown so much in the year we hadn’t seen him.  He was now communicating in broken sentences but answered questions and he was in he midst of finishing up potty training.  My mind quickly pulled up a recent memory of me locking him and I in the bathroom to try to clean up a #2 mess with brief glimpses of my mentality.

Never the less, I was beyond thrilled to have my foster son back.

During this weird job interview, I bonded with a father roughly my age who had a son the same age as Tyler.  The eerie thing I realized about all the contestants for this spot was we all had foster children.  This father and I talked and discussed the fun things little boys do (like smear poop on the bathroom walls).  It was very strange.  We became fighters and advocates for each other for whatever this job opening was.

It wasn’t until towards the end where I was sitting at a board room table with the rest of the potential employees that I started to think that our decision (or mine) to take Tyler back was made very hastily.  Any grasp at a typical mentality I had were now beginning to become that stubborn thread that you begin to pull on a sweater and quickly unwind.  Where would I be in a few weeks?  How did DCF come to us when we told them to revoke our foster/adopt license?  How much weight would I lose this time when anxiety riddled by body with nausea?  When would we lose him again because I’ve lost myself?

A second chance at having my little boy back.  I still remember the huge grin on my face at the beginning of the dream.  How happy I was when I offered him a kiss and he kissed back.  Now awake, I am content this was just a dream.  Putting him and my family through the hell that was me back a little over a year ago is not something I’d like to repeat.  But, I will hold on to this dream and hope that it makes another appearance in the abyss of my mind while asleep another night.