Today you turn 4. You have been out of our house for over a year now. It’s been over a year since I saw your smile with your dimples. It’s been over year since I heard your toddler voice say, “It’s a Mommy!” when you saw me come down the stairs in the morning. It’s been over a year since I hugged you, and kissed your soft cheek, inhaling you.
I have thought of you daily. Usually, I wake up with the image of your face on the last day I saw you. It makes me think of you and what you are like now. I wonder how much you’ve grown. I wonder if you’ve made friends at school. I wonder if you’re potty trained. Then I begin to wonder how long I will blame myself for everything that happened.
Oh, my little boy… you are a big light in my life even if you are not with me anymore. Just knowing you did not get lost in the DCF system, knowing that you are with a family that loves you and is advocating for you makes me smile. It makes me know that the decision your Foster Father and I had to make was the right one. I was in no condition to be your Mommy toward the end. Honestly, I had to be parented myself, I was that forgone. Just know, I NEVER stopped loving you and NEVER will.
Last year, Daddy, Sophia and I released balloons for you. I have to believe that our messages reached you. This year, we dedicated a star to you, one that shines bright:
“Tyler Rocco, Always With Us.” And you always will be. You are not without love, my little boy. You are, in fact, loved by many that you don’t even know about.
So, tonight, as you blow out a candle on your cake with your new loving family, know that we will be doing the same.
Forever in my heart baby boy,
Your Former Foster Mother