Facebook likes to remind me of things… happy events, people’s birthdays, anniversaries, hanging out with friends and loved ones… and then there are the reminders of a year ago:
“Can’t wait to see my boy again on Friday.”
“Going to see my boy with Sophia.”
“Is exhausted, but had a great time with my boy.”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… the time of the year where I felt so happy and was slowly dying inside. The time of the year that is now causing me almost daily trauma of memories I treasure but do not want to relive. The time of the year where I will wear a veil daily to hide my true emotions. The time of the year I hope to mentally and emotionally get through on my current medication…
Yesterday, the 3 of us went Apple & Pumpkin picking, a yearly event at our favorite orchard. The instant we got there, I masked the sadness in my heart. The images of a year ago showed up once we parked. Getting out of the car I could visualize Tyler running around on the grass, him holding an apple to his upper lip, carrying him when he refused to walk, and seeing him placing sticks in the big metal pumpkin. My boy, my son. When we arrived home, I was so irritable and sad about this. I yelled at Jimmy for miniscule things. Everything was an annoyance to me until I started to get ready for my parents to come. At that point these treasured but hurtful memories went on a day trip.
Then the evening came. My brain clear of all thoughts, the memories on Tyler returned, as vivid as they were before. It was as if he was sleeping peacefully in the room next door that was his. My happy mask was lifted. The “I’m sorrys” started.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
“I’m sorry I am so irritable.”
“I’m sorry he’s not here anymore.”
“I’m sorry because it is gong to get worse.”
My husband never asked me to say I’m sorry. Depression causes me to constantly apologize even if it is just for thoughts that occur in my head that I never actually voice. My husband, having witnessed me so many times, acknowledged my apologies and went on like nothing happened. He is used to me.
Once I went up to bed, the tears started. I looked at pictures of Tyler, pictures of Tyler with the 3 of us… so happy, so loving, such a beautiful family. I cried for the death of that. “I’m sorry,” I said to his face in these pictures as I traced his jawline. I kissed these photos. Photos of my boy. I cried because the blame came back, “It’s all my fault.” I cried because I was still not over the grief, the pain, the heartache. I cried because I knew as the holidays kicked in, my Depression will only worsen, that like Halloween, I will have to constantly mask myself.
It’s the most “wonderful” time of the year… the time for family, love, gatherings, presents…
It’s the time of the year I realize a part of my heart resides in a little boy who is not in our house.
It’s the time of the year I realize that a piece of my heart will never come back and when I heal, there will be a void where that piece once resided. It’s the time of the year I will feel an emptiness. It’s the time of the year where I will have daily battles with my Depression, my old friend and enemy.
It’s the most “wonderful” time of the year.