This poem was going to be published in Stigmama.com’s poetry slam this month but due to unforseen circumstances, the site and FB page have been taken down.  It is about my suffering during postpartum… How I was somewhat there conciously but couldn’t do a thing about it…

I will publish it here…

Floating Above
By Stephanie Paige

Floating Above,
Looking down at this woman,
Unrecognizable to me,
Almost a corpse,
A programmed robot,
Going through life’s motions,
Void of feeling,
Loss of an energetic soul.

Floating above,
Looking down at the newly born,
Seeking the warmth,
Holding up tightly fisted hands,
Crying for her love,
Yearning to be held.

Floating above,
Looking down at this forlorn man,
Hands on head,
Thoughts flowing,
What should be do?
Knowing aid is needed,
Confused on what comes next.

Floating above,
Looking down at this woman,
Wondering why she sits alone,
Why she does not rush to the babe,
Why she is silently voiced,
Why she avoids the man…

Floating above,
Looking down on this woman,
Realizing this is me,
First step to getting help,
Apathetically hugging man and child,
Admitting depression, anxiety,
Admitting myself into hands medically trained.

And, I am republishing my poem from Monday about being a Foster Mom after my foster son was removed…

A Foster Mother’s Love
By: Stephanie Paige

I cried tonight,
Salted tears down my cheeks,
Tissue in one hand,
Picture of a family never to be in the other.

I am staring at you,
A small tot with a blank face,
Gripping my shirt,
Thinking protect me, hold me, love me.

I gaze at your cherub cheeks,
That dimpled when you smiled,
The petite hands that reached out for mine,
Holding on to love, a new emotion.

I cried tonight,
Mother’s Day and I feel incomplete,
Sharing happiness with your sister,
While a piece of me flies miles away to you.

I trace the curvature of your face,
And pull the picture to my lips,
Kissing your innocence,
Hugging you from afar.

I hold the picture in an embrace,
Just as I did you many months ago, many moons ago,
Squeezing tighter hoping that when my eyes open you will be there.

I think how a few months time,
Turns into a lifetime
Of guilt, shame, blame,
But ultimately a Mother’s love eternal.

I realize your happy face no longer dwells in this home,
But continues to live and love in another,
Taught to you by a family that will never be.

I place the picture back in the envelope and tuck it away,
Another day, a needed cry,
Thoughts of you still floating in my mind.

I am Mother no more physically,
No more hugs, light kisses on cheeks,
No more soft foot falls and shirt grips.

I know even with all the loss
You changed my chemistry, made my heart whole,
Made me a Mother for a second time,
Loving every part of you,
An infinite feeling, never to be changed.