I do not like being dependent on a little pill.  I like being in control of everything.  I’m an Alpha personality, something I didn’t realize until in the hospital for Postpartum Depression.  I have perfection tendencies.  Both these things are extremely damaging to my psyche.  After Sophia was born, it took years in therapy to not push for perfection in her.  There are still times now I have to hold myself back from saying things.

And now I’m dependent on a few small pills to function “normally”.  Ugh.  I internally yell at myself because of this.  When I fell victim to this most recent bout of Depression, I had multiple people tell me, “Stephanie, maybe you should stay on the antidepressant permanently.”  Honestly, being my 6th time suffering and realizing that as I age it is more physically draining, I agreed.

Okay, so now I am dependent by choice with one little pill.  It’s the other 2 that have me constantly battling my mental self. 

The pink pill that helps me sleep.  I know I will be on this one for awhile and am okay with it.  Not happy, but okay.  Prior Depression times it took me years before I could trick my brain into thinking Melatonin was my sleep med.

This brings me to the tiniest pill of all… My anti anxiety med, Ativan.  The hospital had me on this 3 times a day.  Since being released in January, I’ve been able to drop 2 a day.  I only take my 6pm dosage.  This dosage I attempted to drop this past weekend with the okay from my psychiatrist.  The results were not good.

I couldn’t fall asleep.

I worked myself up with so much anxiety regarding not being able to sleep that when I caved and took the Ativan it didn’t work.

My result… Lack of sleep and the residual effects of taking the Ativan too late.  It left me foggy, cranky, tired, and angry… At myself.

This little white pill controls me.  I am hopeless without it.  I am dependent on it.  I’m ashamed with myself.  Mad at myself.  Having a boxing match with myself.  For some reason I can’t drop it.

Am I becoming addicted?  Why can’t I drop it?  Why am I still fearing not being able to sleep that I need this 6pm dose?  Will I ever stop the internal battle with my Alpha self over it?

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