I am a Phoenix.  I rise from the ashes of Depression and become a beautiful creature.  It isn’t an easy process.  There are many feelings I experience before the Phoenix is reborn.

Over the last week I let my brain control me.  This control has brought so much mental anguish and painful physical manifestations.  Although I would take a Xanax at night, almost every morning I awoke with an anxiety attack… some on borderline panic attack.  I still don’t understand why.  These attacks brought so much nausea that I was dry heaving into the toilet and the bathroom garbage.  These attacks made my mind run crazy with one main question… “Why?”.  I am still trying to answer this.

These attacks were not the only issue my brain created.  The crying fits were next.  Over the last few days I’ve cried at least 6 times a day for numerous reasons… How much I loved my daughter but felt as if I were failing her… How much I was driving my family crazy again… How hopeless and helpless I felt… How I never thought I would get better… Due to this crying and the dry heaving from the anxiety, the left side of my back has been in pain for almost a week.  My “love handle” area hurts.  My quads hurt.

Whoever thought Depression and Anxiety aren’t physically painful has obviously never experienced it.

Last night, after crying for maybe the 7th time I came to a realization.  I can’t do this anymore.  There is too much at stake.  I do not want to lose my new job that I love.  I need to eat again (down another pound this morning… now weigh 105.8lbs).  I need to get better for my husband, my daughter, my parents and most importantly, for myself.  The Phoenix has been reborn!

It scares me though.  In all honesty, I took 1 Zoloft and pinned anxiety from combining it with another med on my lack of sleep that night.  Maybe this realization came from the fact that I’ve been on Trazodone for almost 4 weeks and its antidepressant characteristics kicked in.  Who knows?!  I did do 1 major thing I needed to do… I found a Psychiatrist.  This is very important.  A doctor who can analyze me and pick what medications should work best for me.  I see her tomorrow.  I have done research on several different antidepressants and know which ones I will not try (mainly MAOIs).  I’m interested to see what she comes up with for me.

I am a Phoenix.  Although I have risen again for the 6th time, I am newly born and still in a fragile state… fragile, but for the 1st time in weeks, hopeful.