Two Steps Forward… One Step Back…

The last few days have been rough.  I once again tried to quit my anti anxiety medication, Ativan, cold turkey.  My psychiatrist said that would be okay since the dosage is not that high.  The Alpha and perfectionist in me hates to be dependent on pills.  3 nights I went without the Ativan and 3 … [Read more…]

Floating Above…

This poem was going to be published in Stigmama.com’s poetry slam this month but due to unforseen circumstances, the site and FB page have been taken down.  It is about my suffering during postpartum… How I was somewhat there conciously but couldn’t do a thing about it… I will publish it here… Floating AboveBy Stephanie … [Read more…]

Reflections of Mother’s Day

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  It was the first that should of included a little boy.  It was the 9th that has included my daughter.  Overall a great day, I could not stop thinking of Tyler.  Fostering a child is not an easy task.  A task that those who participate in know winds up with the … [Read more…]

Grieving The Loss Of…

How do you recover when the person you grieve loss of is… You. In the beginning I grieved the loss of Tyler.  Many tears flowed because that little boy left my house.  They flowed for my loss of him.  They flowed for Jimmy and Sophia’s loss of him.  It was like a death even though … [Read more…]

My Biggest Fear…

May is Mental and Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month… expect a lot of posts from me… My Biggest Fear… I have suffered from this horrible mental illness, Depression, for majority of my life.  Twenty-one years out of the thirty-five years I have been on Earth.  That’s a lot.  Thinking about it drains me.  Thinking about … [Read more…]

Physical Turmoil vs. Mental Turmoil

Baltimore, MD.  A beautiful city that I’ve been to many times.  It is also the scene of mass chaos currently.  Void of all facts, I’ll summarize the essentials.  A 25 year old black man was violently killed by a white cop, snapping his spine.  A brawl ensues of black rights vs. white rights which in … [Read more…]

My Daughter, My Wise Fairy

My husband and I went Team Green when I was pregnant back in 2006.  This meant that our child’s sex was unknown to us until birth and yes, we wanted it that way.  Yes, this also means we had quite a bit of clothing colored yellow and green.  We were very quick in chosing the … [Read more…]

Dependency

I do not like being dependent on a little pill.  I like being in control of everything.  I’m an Alpha personality, something I didn’t realize until in the hospital for Postpartum Depression.  I have perfection tendencies.  Both these things are extremely damaging to my psyche.  After Sophia was born, it took years in therapy to … [Read more…]

Under Your Spell

I’m having a rough day and am unsure why.  There has been no triggering factor.  I just woke up feeling undeserving of love, once again beating myself up.  It inspired a little poetry writing which has been dormant for over a decade Under Your Spellby: Stephanie Paige Fake smiles, forced grin,Hides the Depression within,Rapid breaths, … [Read more…]