My Dearest Tyler

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I cannot be your Mommy.  I’m sorry I disrupted your life for a few months and gave you false hope of being part of our family.  Please know it is nothing you did.

You were my little boy, the second child I always wanted.  You were as much mine in my heart as Sophia was.  My heart filled with joy hearing you laugh and play with Sophia.  I loved when you knew every morning that it was “Coffee Time”.

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that my body broke down.  I’m sorry that all the responsibilities that came with you caused my brain to be crippled with anxiety.  I’m sorry I couldn’t overcome it for you.  I didn’t know how I would react.  I didn’t know I would lose 12lbs due to constant nausea because if the anxiety.  I didn’t know that I would start to become delusional.  I didn’t know that you, my little boy, would become my biggest trigger.

I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you had to leave us.  I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye.  I realize that I am not the best mother for you… That my body is only able to parent 1 child physically, emotionally and mentally.  I’m sorry that you were my body’s test. 

Just know my little boy, I still love you.  I still think of you daily.  I still consider you my little boy. 

Love Always,
Your Foster Mom of a Few Months

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