I’m Okay, Really I Am… Am I?

I wasn’t planning on writing a blog post today as I’ve been okay, really I have.  At least, I think I have…

My place of employment is having a food and diaper drive this month.  I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to finally get rid of all the diapers and toddler food we have left.  After all, I am okay and looking at these items does not make me cry anymore.

Last night I took all the unopened diapers out (5 bags) and gathered the unopened toddler food.  This morning I placed as much as I could in a reusable shopping bag and brought it in for the drive.  I am okay.

But now I sit at my cubicle and my anxiety is building.  The person to bring the donations to is not at her desk.  The bag sits right behind me under my back desk and it is taunting me.  It’s reminding me of what I had, what I had to give up.  Vivid images of my former foster son keep flashing in my head.  My breathing is becoming slightly more rapid.  Do I take an Ativan?  Do I risk the foggy feeling at work from it?  Can I get through this without it?  I’m okay, aren’t I?

My co-worker just messaged that she is back at her desk.  I couldn’t race fast enough to bring these items over that haunt me.  I choke telling her why I have them to donate, gulping at the words foster son.  The damage is done.  My heart is still beating a little faster.  How am I supposed to do this at least one more time as I have more diapers to bring in?

I’m okay, aren’t I?

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